the ever evasive self

A recent conversation resulted in the acknowledgment that we each have an ideal version of ourselves. The version that does the right thing at the right time, that follows the path with unswerving dedication, who envelops the whole dimension of who we ultimately want to be.
Pipe dreams possibly? does this man exist or will i be pursuing a destiny that doesnt await? will my pursuit end with a harsh glance in a dirty bathroom mirror realizing that this is not the person that i want to be yet have become?
these thoughts cause me great fear, for what is a man except for what he accomplishes and the decisions that he makes. will i always return to my vomit or to wallow in the mud of regretful decisions.
my doubt and insecurities invite frightening thoughts that drive me to succeed yet also hold me back with a paralyzing reality of fear.

are we all just lost, walking around with deceptive maps that we formulate to get to where we think we want to be? do we crave this destination to exist because we desire to fantasize away from our own reality. what is this hope that we formulate? is it not just a drug to escape the depravity of now? do many awake to joyful feelings of contentment or must we all continue to cycle through another day of failure?
I guess the question is, is it just i? do others drive with broken windshields that struggle with the oncoming traffic?
am i forced to sleep in this night of discontent or will the dawn bring a new reality of wings and flight.
my arms are tired, by body aches, my heart bleeds and you ask what i have been doing- living.

often times......

Life is a series of april showers and northeasterns, yet the rain rarely ceases to stop. The longer i exist the more and more i realize of what i do not know and comprehend. i have probably read more books than half my generation yet always seem to be lacking in some dynamic or another.

I often seek Jesus just to lessen the pain and "groaning" that this life brings, yet he is so much more than a simple Tylenol, popped at my convenience. My life follows a typical season, just as the weather does. It is not really a roller coaster, yet gliding hills that roll throughout my journey to get to where i am going, wherever that may be.

Trusting the Lord in all occasions has to be one of the most difficult things that a man can accomplish. It requires patience and love, and once again, I seem to be lacking. lets put away the cups and balloons, for this isnt a pity party, yet a true understanding of where i, as a man, lack. naturally, i despise the fact that i lack in anything. I should be able to advance my causes on my own and learn enough to gain the whole world. yeah, it def doesnt work out like that.