the ever evasive self

A recent conversation resulted in the acknowledgment that we each have an ideal version of ourselves. The version that does the right thing at the right time, that follows the path with unswerving dedication, who envelops the whole dimension of who we ultimately want to be.
Pipe dreams possibly? does this man exist or will i be pursuing a destiny that doesnt await? will my pursuit end with a harsh glance in a dirty bathroom mirror realizing that this is not the person that i want to be yet have become?
these thoughts cause me great fear, for what is a man except for what he accomplishes and the decisions that he makes. will i always return to my vomit or to wallow in the mud of regretful decisions.
my doubt and insecurities invite frightening thoughts that drive me to succeed yet also hold me back with a paralyzing reality of fear.

are we all just lost, walking around with deceptive maps that we formulate to get to where we think we want to be? do we crave this destination to exist because we desire to fantasize away from our own reality. what is this hope that we formulate? is it not just a drug to escape the depravity of now? do many awake to joyful feelings of contentment or must we all continue to cycle through another day of failure?
I guess the question is, is it just i? do others drive with broken windshields that struggle with the oncoming traffic?
am i forced to sleep in this night of discontent or will the dawn bring a new reality of wings and flight.
my arms are tired, by body aches, my heart bleeds and you ask what i have been doing- living.