Expectancy, ooh yeah, Jesus is doin somethin

I love it when God just sorta kinda maybe lets me do my own thing for a little while and then brings a little clarity to what Im doing so that my perspective can be transformed and I can walk in the true hope and the true freedom that is found in Jesus Christ!
In times of disappointment, we wonder why we are disappointed. Simple enough, right? We didnt get what we wanted and we wonder why. I say things like "Well i thought i was seeking the Lord on this one" or "I had peace about this" and then at the outcome of a situation, i am left shaking my head at my decisions. But this thinking process is completely wrong and shows how ignorant I am in matters concerning our huge amazing God.
I am disappointed because I have expectations that i want God to follow. I expect that when i seek him in a matter that it should work out the way that i want it to. We all know the phrase, for every action there is a reaction. But what we dont take into consideration is the amazing omnipotence of our mighty God who controls the world and knows everything. Seems quite easy to leave out an important concept like that, wouldnt you agree? I treat God like a gumball machine. I put my quarter in, turn the knob, and expect a gumball.
About a year and a half ago I left the Honor academy with the expectation to get an amazing job and to go change the world. I ended up working at a crappy part-time job, had no community, and no relationship with God. I thought.....i went to the honor academy (obeying God)...i came to virginia (obeying God) and now im completely miserable! Then God sent me an angel from heaven, whose name is Missy Harrell. She was my mentor in high school and I ran into her while she was getting on a ferry to Ocracoke. I told her of my dilemma and she shared with me her great wisdom. She told me that I was living with my expectations of God instead of living in expectancy of God! I was like, "you seriously gotta explain this concept to me cause i dont get it." She said that I put God in a box and set what I want above what God has planned for me and that is why i live in disappointment. Then she went on to tell me that living in expectancy is a way of completely trusting in God, knowing that He is moving and working according to His plans. Never thought about it that way.
So when I rub my Jesus lamp and present my three wishes, i automatically set myself up for disappointment, for there is no trust in my heart. But when I lay all things at the foot of the cross and choose to trust God to move in mighty ways, I surrender my expectations and live in the expectancy of God. God is moving and working and he does love me! I expect God to do things but expectancy leaves out the how, when, and wheres. this is the secret of a content life! Whether sun or rain, feast or famine, riches or poverty, a man who is expectant of a mighty God will never be disappointed for he does not consult his desires, yet gives them over to the will of a loving Father. What a way to live! To never be disappointed because something didnt work out yet to keep running the race, from glory to glory, in reckless abandonment, trusting an all-seeing God. Oh that i would have the faith to run with a content heart.
So i gave it all back to Jesus today. I was clinging to the hope i had in my expectations and it was hindering me from moving on. My grasp was firmly on the "What if's" and "How comes" without allowing me to see what God was planning.
I still dont know exactly why things happen, i catch glimpses every now and then, but I trust in a God that doesnt make mistakes, and takes my mistakes and turns them into Glory. Praise God for Redemption and Hope. Let me be content in all things Lord.

So whats missing........

Recently I have begun to discover the pertinent role that a woman plays in the life of a man. Society tries to displace this role by empowering men to be self-dependent or the exact opposite, creating male characters who convey the image that men are complete morons that cannot strap their boots on without the guidance of a woman. Both of the images of the society based male are contrary to the male figure that was created by God. Society, and the lack of a true male model, have also diminished the female role. The female role has been proposed as weak and unproductive so women are then empowered to take on the responsibilities and persona of men. Both of these shifts diminish the glorious and unique natures that God has created.
Women have the power to build up a man and to supernaturally support him to the point where the curse that was placed on him at the fall of man is turned into a glorious work of the Lord. Every strong, confident, yet humble man will tell you of the brave and encouraging wife that stands behind him and his decisions. There is just something about the support of a loving and respecting wife that enables a man to pursue dreams with fearless abandonment. When a loving wife looks at her husband and affirms who he is and what he does, his insecurities seem irrelevant and he steps out in faith knowing he has the support of his best friend. This is such an amazing example of the perfection of our Creator.
Out of all the relationships I have experienced, it was only recently when I discovered a woman who possessed this power in my life. With a single look my world could be shifted, with a smile I was encouraged, and the simple phrase "I trust you" I began to trust myself more and found myself stepping out in faith. I wasnt constantly pursuing her approval or just trying to please her, yet I knew that through her expectations I was taking steps to become the man I was created to be. Her words built my confidence and showed me aspects of my personality that I hadnt seen. She once told me that I was a beautiful man, a comment that changed my perspective on beauty and how a man can be seen. It was the greatest compliment I have ever been given. It was her personality and beauty that brought out my gentle side and helped me embrace what it meant to love as Christ loves the church. A buddy of mine told me that he so enjoyed when I was pursuing this lady because the relationship brought out a completely different side of my personality. This was a surprising revelation. I was oblivious to this power until recently, when this woman and I parted ways. I couldnt understand why I felt like soo much was missing. I wasnt just missing this woman, I was also missing the role that she played as a true helper.
I dont believe this to be an insecurity on my part, but yet an example of the creation of a helper in the garden of Eden. This is the reason why a couple that has been married for 50 or so yrs, when one passes away you know that its not gonna be too long until the other follows. Its is a perfect support system that glorifies God and enables his people to jump to heights they thought were impossible. I love experiencing the perfection of God and how when we, as humans, submit to the roles he created we experience even more of His glory. What a beautiful picture of the creation of man and woman.

I love her....i really do. I love her to the point of sacrifice and pain, to death and poverty, to riches and life, glory to glory. I don't know what to do with myself. It seems as though everything points back to her...songs..stories...movies. Other women seem obsolete and unappealing. Everday that goes by i think of where we could be right now and what we would be doing. I think of her when i wake up in the morning and before my eyes shut i night. But the only time i get to spend with her is in my dreams.
Loving someone has to be one of the most difficult things that a person can aspire to do. to consistently look at someone and not see them or their actions yet to see them exactly as christ created them to be, past their faults and insecurities, past their love handles and bad hair cuts, and to say with an honest and genuine heart, "I love you." Until recently, i did not understand what it meant to really love past the point of getting hurt. In the face of pain I told the Lord that i trusted Him and his commandment to keep no record of wrong and i did the illogical thing...i chose love. The high price of love is brokeness. It directly kills the flesh and shows u the heart of Jesus. thats what love has shown me...for loving doesnt exemplify others faults, it throws a floodlight onto your own. I saw how my heart is fickle with Jesus and how i consistently turn to other loves and seek the deceptive possibilities of Life that only lead to Death. I saw how through my darkness and depravity that he still yearns after me and that the pain that i experienced in a three month period of time is what he has had to experience with me on a day by day basis for the entire 23 yrs of my life. I feel like the little boy sitting on the swing plucking petals off of a flower reciting "i love him, i love him not" yet he is consistently standing behind me pushing and telling me of his love and intimate desire to be with me, regardless of which petal i choose. It isnt my love for him that drives his love for me, nor is it my accomplishments, strengths, or whatever i may think would make me worthy of his love. So in real essence, his love for me has absolutely nothing to do with me at all. It is his nature, his purpose, his reason, and his desire. It is the thing that makes both me and you beautiful beyond recognition.
A very wise woman once told me a quote that i will remember and recite for the rest of my life....love is a risk. Love is a risk because it requires to give your all in everything. I doesnt just want your good days or your "this is just what it is" moments. It wants to put you through death to bring you life. It requires the opposite of self preservation, the thing we are taught the moment we come screaming out of the womb. This is why we are so hesitant to love.
I am often confused at the risk of romantic love. There are countless books, sermons, and articles on how to guard your heart and to not be quick to try to fall in love, but these references never seem to help me at all. The main purpose behind love is to give everything past the point of pain, so why be so guarded? I know that alot of it boils down to the motivation of the heart. If my heart is motivated to love in order to fill a gap somewhere in my life, then i will always be disappointed and find my heart broken time and time again, because this type of love never satisfies and is selfishly motivated. But if i desire to love in order to glorify God by starting a family and seek his face in my decisions, motives, and timing why should this be looked down on? I want to learn to love......teach me more Jesus.
There is a circulating fear that is haunting in many aspects. Will I ever be loved, or find love? Will someone ever look at me and know me and still choose to love me as i am? Will i ever find that person who will delight and desire just me and want to spend their entire life walking beside me? After every breakup this hope seems to glisten just a little farther in the distance. I dont desire to find another girl to go to the movies or to share a carton of ice cream with. I want a companion that wants to seek Jesus with me and to team up to bring more glory to the kingdom of God.
I still love you and disconnecting my heart seems like an impossible task, one that i dont desire to do at all. I delight in you and just the thought of you makes me smile. I feel like the man who has found a treasure in a field and has sold everything to gain that treasure, but then saw thieves carry it off. I have lost alot, maybe not everything, but there is definitely something missing. i do not regret buying the field though, for i have been taught a lesson, and got to experience the treasure of love, even if it was fleeting. I realize my love had nothing to do with you at all, it had everything to do with Jesus. yes you are beautiful beyond description and your heart for others makes me yearn to be with you yet my eyes were opened to these things because of him and i was only able to take that risk because of the strength he gave when my knees were weak and my hands were shaking. He helped me overcome fear, face rejection, and learn what it means to love without expectations. you are worth fighting for and i would go more than twelve rounds for you babe. Thank you Jesus for your ways and your love. sustain me as i wait for her or for another. Keep my heart open and willing to love. In your time Jesus.