I love her....i really do. I love her to the point of sacrifice and pain, to death and poverty, to riches and life, glory to glory. I don't know what to do with myself. It seems as though everything points back to her...songs..stories...movies. Other women seem obsolete and unappealing. Everday that goes by i think of where we could be right now and what we would be doing. I think of her when i wake up in the morning and before my eyes shut i night. But the only time i get to spend with her is in my dreams.
Loving someone has to be one of the most difficult things that a person can aspire to do. to consistently look at someone and not see them or their actions yet to see them exactly as christ created them to be, past their faults and insecurities, past their love handles and bad hair cuts, and to say with an honest and genuine heart, "I love you." Until recently, i did not understand what it meant to really love past the point of getting hurt. In the face of pain I told the Lord that i trusted Him and his commandment to keep no record of wrong and i did the illogical thing...i chose love. The high price of love is brokeness. It directly kills the flesh and shows u the heart of Jesus. thats what love has shown me...for loving doesnt exemplify others faults, it throws a floodlight onto your own. I saw how my heart is fickle with Jesus and how i consistently turn to other loves and seek the deceptive possibilities of Life that only lead to Death. I saw how through my darkness and depravity that he still yearns after me and that the pain that i experienced in a three month period of time is what he has had to experience with me on a day by day basis for the entire 23 yrs of my life. I feel like the little boy sitting on the swing plucking petals off of a flower reciting "i love him, i love him not" yet he is consistently standing behind me pushing and telling me of his love and intimate desire to be with me, regardless of which petal i choose. It isnt my love for him that drives his love for me, nor is it my accomplishments, strengths, or whatever i may think would make me worthy of his love. So in real essence, his love for me has absolutely nothing to do with me at all. It is his nature, his purpose, his reason, and his desire. It is the thing that makes both me and you beautiful beyond recognition.
A very wise woman once told me a quote that i will remember and recite for the rest of my life....love is a risk. Love is a risk because it requires to give your all in everything. I doesnt just want your good days or your "this is just what it is" moments. It wants to put you through death to bring you life. It requires the opposite of self preservation, the thing we are taught the moment we come screaming out of the womb. This is why we are so hesitant to love.
I am often confused at the risk of romantic love. There are countless books, sermons, and articles on how to guard your heart and to not be quick to try to fall in love, but these references never seem to help me at all. The main purpose behind love is to give everything past the point of pain, so why be so guarded? I know that alot of it boils down to the motivation of the heart. If my heart is motivated to love in order to fill a gap somewhere in my life, then i will always be disappointed and find my heart broken time and time again, because this type of love never satisfies and is selfishly motivated. But if i desire to love in order to glorify God by starting a family and seek his face in my decisions, motives, and timing why should this be looked down on? I want to learn to love......teach me more Jesus.
There is a circulating fear that is haunting in many aspects. Will I ever be loved, or find love? Will someone ever look at me and know me and still choose to love me as i am? Will i ever find that person who will delight and desire just me and want to spend their entire life walking beside me? After every breakup this hope seems to glisten just a little farther in the distance. I dont desire to find another girl to go to the movies or to share a carton of ice cream with. I want a companion that wants to seek Jesus with me and to team up to bring more glory to the kingdom of God.
I still love you and disconnecting my heart seems like an impossible task, one that i dont desire to do at all. I delight in you and just the thought of you makes me smile. I feel like the man who has found a treasure in a field and has sold everything to gain that treasure, but then saw thieves carry it off. I have lost alot, maybe not everything, but there is definitely something missing. i do not regret buying the field though, for i have been taught a lesson, and got to experience the treasure of love, even if it was fleeting. I realize my love had nothing to do with you at all, it had everything to do with Jesus. yes you are beautiful beyond description and your heart for others makes me yearn to be with you yet my eyes were opened to these things because of him and i was only able to take that risk because of the strength he gave when my knees were weak and my hands were shaking. He helped me overcome fear, face rejection, and learn what it means to love without expectations. you are worth fighting for and i would go more than twelve rounds for you babe. Thank you Jesus for your ways and your love. sustain me as i wait for her or for another. Keep my heart open and willing to love. In your time Jesus.